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- Last Updated 2:00 PM

Snake Gets Tattoo Of Dude On Its Face

The nation's gross doctors recommend drinking eight cups of clam juice per day, a snake gets a tattoo of a dude on its face, and the Supreme Court overturns Right v. more »
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Grid List
1 2 3 4

15 hours, 40 minutes ago

NBA Announces Supernatural Investigation Spin-Off ‘NBA Nights’
"Green Bay needs to spend its offseason holding onto things."

Fan On The Street: On The Giants Upsetting The Packers
1 day, 9 hours ago

Wooden Fruit Hoping To Become Real Fruit One Day
1 day, 10 hours ago

Strongside/Weakside: Eli Manning
1 day, 15 hours ago

Arizona Iced Tea Unveils New 4-Foot-Tall Cans
1 day, 15 hours ago

College Basketball Warns People Not To Get Excited About It Yet
1 day, 15 hours ago

Miranda July Called Before Congress To Explain Exactly What Her Whole Thing Is
2 days, 8 hours ago

Sportsgraphic: New Super Stats
2 days, 8 hours ago

Oh Christ, Mascot Headed Right For You

2 days, 8 hours ago

Statshot: What Are We Hiding From Our Parents?
2 days, 12 hours ago

Gross Doctors Recommend Drinking 8 Warm Cups Of Clam Juice A Day
2 days, 13 hours ago

Sunday Magazine: 101 Ways To Drive Your Best Friend Wild
"Have they considered using a bucket brigade instead?"

American Voices: Obama Rejects Keystone Pipeline
2 days, 15 hours ago

Seattle Mariners Hope Jesus Montero Can Get Good Enough To One Day Sign With Yankees
2 days, 16 hours ago

Sheepish Secret Service Agent Can't Explain How Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Got Into Oval Office
3 days, 7 hours ago

Baltimore Ravens Admit They Like The Ugly Wins
3 days, 8 hours ago

Infographic: Romney Facing Flak For Turn As Venture Capitalist
3 days, 10 hours ago

Video: Tebow’s Defeat Restores Nation’s Faith In God

“This could give Santorum exactly the kind of retroactive momentum his campaign needs.”

American Voices: Santorum Won Iowa Caucus
3 days, 15 hours ago

Rick Perry Experiences Overwhelming Feeling Of Clarity And Contentment In Final Moments Before Death Of Campaign
3 days, 15 hours ago

Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior
3 days, 16 hours ago

Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like To Know Who Threw That
4 days, 12 hours ago

Video: Justin Timberlake Wins Golden Globe For Funniest Goofball At His Table
“That explains the hordes of pissed-off barefooted maniacs in the streets this morning.”

American Voices: Zappos Hacked
4 days, 15 hours ago

Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong'
4 days, 16 hours ago

Series Of Serial Killer Killings Rocks Serial Killer Community
5 days, 7 hours ago

Prince Fielder Wondering If He Has Truly Free Agency

Pisces Week Of
Jan 17, 2012

No notable changes.
by Daniel Stegman, Floor Salesman

You'll Never Love Our Amazing Deals On Household Appliances Unless You First Love Yourself
5 days, 12 hours ago

Video: Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op
"Top 15? I had no idea there were so many ways to die."

American Voices: Murder No Longer Among Top Killers In U.S.
5 days, 15 hours ago

Poll Finds Americans Would Be Open To Third Type Of Screwdriver Head
5 days, 16 hours ago

Local Woman Dies Of Lost Cell Phone
6 days, 7 hours ago

Bucs To Talk With Marty Schottenheimer About How Lousy He Would Be
6 days, 10 hours ago

On TV: 2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona's Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman
“Oh yeah? Did he try talking about jobs?”

American Voices: Huntsman Drops Out

NBA Announces Supernatural Investigation Spin-Off ‘NBA Nights’

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.22.12 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Facing financial shortfalls due to an abbreviated season and eager to compete with traditional prime-time entertainment, the National Basketball Association announced Friday it would soon debut NBA Nights, an hour-long suspense serie... more»
On The Giants Upsetting The Packers

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.22.12 | Fan On The Street
Wooden Fruit Hoping To Become Real Fruit One Day

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.21.12 | News in Photos
Eli Manning

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.21.12 | Strongside/Weakside

He has one Super Bowl ring and has led his team to another NFC Championship Game, but many still aren't ready to call Eli an elite quarterback. Is he any good? more»
Arizona Iced Tea Unveils New 4-Foot-Tall Cans

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.21.12 | News in Photos
College Basketball Warns People Not To Get Excited About It Yet

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.21.12 | Sports News in Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Admitting it is "enormously worried" some people are taking an interest in its emerging storylines this early in the season, the sport of college basketball made a statement Saturday urging fans and the media to ignore it... more»
Miranda July Called Before Congress To Explain Exactly What Her Whole Thing Is

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.21.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Congress convened a special investigative committee this week in an attempt to put to rest questions that have puzzled the nation for much of the past decade, namely what public figure Miranda July's whole thing is, exactly. July—of... more»
New Super Stats

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.20.12 | Sportsgraphic

Sports is currently enjoying an era of unprecedented statistical analysis, with Moneyball having opened the floodgates for stats-oriented people to find new benchmarks in every sport. more»
Oh Christ, Mascot Headed Right For You

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.20.12 | Photo Finish
What Are We Hiding From Our Parents?

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | Statshot
Gross Doctors Recommend Drinking 8 Warm Cups Of Clam Juice A Day

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | News in Brief

ATLANTA—A report released Friday by the Centers for Disease Control's Department of Gross Medicine concludes that people should consume eight cups of warm clam juice a day. more»
101 Ways To Drive Your Best Friend Wild

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | Sunday Magazine
Obama Rejects Keystone Pipeline

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | American Voices

Citing environmental concerns, the Obama administration is rejecting the proposed Canada-to-U.S. oil pipeline, but may reconsider if the builders propose a different route. more»
Seattle Mariners Hope Jesus Montero Can Get Good Enough To One Day Sign With Yankees

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.20.12 | Sports News in Brief

SEATTLE—Introducing former Yankee farmhand Jesus Montero to the media Friday, the Seattle Mariners said they have high expectations for the newly acquired catching prospect, a player they hope will eventually become great enough to desert them for a... more»
Sheepish Secret Service Agent Can't Explain How Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Got Into Oval Office

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | Radio News
Baltimore Ravens Admit They Like The Ugly Wins

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.19.12 | Sports News in Brief

BALTIMORE—Reflecting on a 12-4 season that showcased their gritty, brash, defense-first style, the Baltimore Ravens admitted Thursday that while everyone else chases the pretty, sexy wins, they actually prefer theirs ugly. more»
Romney Facing Flak For Turn As Venture Capitalist

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.19.12 | Infographic

Rivals have bashed Mitt Romney for his role at Bain Capital—the investment group that held stakes in such businesses as Sports Authority, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Domino’s Pizza—claiming his pursuit of personal profit cost hundreds ... more»
Tebow’s Defeat Restores Nation’s Faith In God

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.19.12 | OSN GOOMF

Doc and Kenny give us each other hell as Tim Tebow's defeat has millions flocking to God, while the Yankees act like paupers and the Wizards beg for a lockout. more»
Santorum Won Iowa Caucus

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.19.12 | American Voices

A recount of votes in the Iowa caucus shows that former senator Rick Santorum actually beat Mitt Romney by 34 votes. more»
Rick Perry Experiences Overwhelming Feeling Of Clarity And Contentment In Final Moments Before Death Of Campaign

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.19.12 | News in Brief

COLUMBIA, SC—Texas governor Rick Perry experienced a profound moment of peace and serenity Thursday morning just before his campaign to be president of the United States slipped away into the darkness, meeting its death. more»
Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.19.12 | News

WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, confused White House staffers arrived at their desks Wednesday to find a meticulously researched, entirely unrequested report from the Interior Department assessing dry humping as a suitable sex alternative f... more»
Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like To Know Who Threw That

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.19.12 | Radio News
Justin Timberlake Wins Golden Globe For Funniest Goofball At His Table

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.18.12 | StarFix

Justin Timberlake finally receives the recognition he deserves for being everybody's favorite jokester. more»
Zappos Hacked

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.18.12 | American Voices

The online shoe retailer Zappos was hacked, leaving much of its customer data compromised. What do you think? more»
Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong'

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.18.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Striking down the judicial precedent that established the legal supremacy of right over wrong more than two centuries ago, the U.S. more»
Series Of Serial Killer Killings Rocks Serial Killer Community

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.18.12 | Radio News
Prince Fielder Wondering If He Has Truly Free Agency

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.17.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEWPORT BEACH, CA—After meeting with his agent Monday to discuss his free agency prospects, Prince Fielder told reporters he was left wondering if he or any man can ever say his agency is truly free. more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 17, 2012

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.17.12 | Horoscope

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff... more»
You'll Never Love Our Amazing Deals On Household Appliances Unless You First Love Yourself

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.17.12 | Commentary

Good afternoon, there! Let me direct you to our housewares section, where we've slashed prices on kitchen appliances and home furnishings to the bone! more»
Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.17.12 | Newsroom

Guests on the Onion News Network's new political-debate show "The Beltway" decide who's leading and who's bleeding in the 24-hour political battle royale. more»
Murder No Longer Among Top Killers In U.S.

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.17.12 | American Voices

For the first time since 1965, murder was not among the top 15 causes of death in the United States, having been replaced by the respiratory ailment pneumonitis. more»
Poll Finds Americans Would Be Open To Third Type Of Screwdriver Head

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.17.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—A CBS/New York Times poll released Tuesday revealed that while an overwhelming majority of Americans are "more than happy" with the two screwdriver heads currently available to them, 64 percent would be willing to enterta... more»
Local Woman Dies Of Lost Cell Phone

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.17.12 | Radio News
Bucs To Talk With Marty Schottenheimer About How Lousy He Would Be

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.16.12 | Sports News in Brief

TAMPA BAY, FL—The search for a new Buccaneers head coach has continued in Tampa Bay, where last week team management flew in Marty Schottenheimer, former NFL coach and current head of UFL's Virginia Destroyers, to discuss how utterly terrible he wou... more»
2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona's Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.16.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in Arizona. more»
Huntsman Drops Out

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.16.12 | American Voices

Jon Huntsman announced he is dropping out of the race and endorsing Mitt Romney. What do you think? more»
Huntsman Drops Out, Endorses Huntsman

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.16.12 | News in Brief

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced today he was dropping out of the race, and, citing his good character, foreign policy experience, and overall pragmatic approach, officially endorsed former Utah governor Jon ... more»
A (Director's) Cut Above

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.16.12 | Editorial Cartoon
The Week In Pictures

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.16.12 | Slideshow
Arby's Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Go Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.16.12 | News

ATLANTA—During a press event at Arby's headquarters last week, the company officially launched its new $2.99 Grab-N-Go Meal Deal, which allows patrons to go behind the counter at any franchise location and grab as much roast beef as they can with th... more»
98 Percent Of Americans Are Afraid Of 98 Percent Of Americans

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.16.12 | Radio News
Philip Morris Introduces New Marlboro Sinus PM Cigarettes

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.15.12 | News in Brief

RICHMOND, VA—At a press conference Tuesday, tobacco giant Philip Morris introduced its new medicinal cigarette, Marlboro Sinus PM, a smokable nighttime cough suppressant and analgesic designed to ease cold symptoms. more»
Attending ‘Price Is Right’ Taping Apparently Sailors’ Best Idea For Shore Leave

ISSUE 48•02 | 01.15.12 | News in Photos
On Barry Larkin Being The Only Player Elected To Baseball Hall Of Fame

01.15.12 | Fan On The Street
Ndamukong Suh Fined $75,000, Just To Wrap Things Up

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.14.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—In what it is calling "the only fitting way" to end a season marked by continual unsportsmanlike conduct and accompanying disciplinary action, the NFL announced Friday it had fined Ndamukong Suh an additional $75,000 just to finis... more»

Video

Tebow’s Defeat Restores Nation’s Faith In God

Snake Gets Tattoo Of Dude On Its Face

Justin Timberlake Wins Golden Globe For Funniest Goofball At His Table

Opinion

Dentists Recommend 01.21
What Are We Hiding From Our Parents? 01.20
Obama Rejects Keystone Pipeline 01.20
Santorum Won Iowa Caucus 01.19

Local

Entertainment

Where Are They Now? 01.22
Miranda July Called Before Congress To Explain Exactly What Her Whole Thing Is 01.21
Feel Superior Now, Asshole? 01.20
Skippy 01.18

Science & Technology

sports

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