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The Corey Haim Video Diary Is The Worst Movie Ever.
Matt - 06/12/00

An item of hot debate from time to time over at our forum is over the true worst video of all time. Everybody seems to have an opinion on this one, and I'm here tonight to tell each and everyone one of you that you're wrong.

You think you know the worst video of all're convinced that you've seen something so awful, so ridiculous, that watching it could be construed as jail time or Hell itself. And maybe you have...but it's not the worst movie.

Friends...this is the worst movie...of all time...

Me, Myself, And I

The Corey Haim Video Diary!

My lord. My fucking lord. I'm willing to admit that I'm a die-hard Corey fan, but I'm also willing to admit that I'd buy lifesize cardboard cut-outs of Bea Arthur if they were available, so that's not saying much. But while I do enjoy Corey movies as a whole, this is the most heinous, atrocious thing ever put on film.

Back in the 80s, little girl Corey lovers finally had their chance to see a day in the life of Corey Haim - and that they did! Unfortunately, they found out that Corey Haim apparently led the most boring life of anyone on the planet.

Here's the real deal behind why this video came to be...

Corey Haim's problems with drugs were pretty well documented back in his prime. You wouldn't be all that shocked to see pictures of his freckled face buried in a mountain of cocaine on the front page of the Enquirer. So, spin doctors come in and come up with an idea to get Corey back into a positive light in the public's eyes - they'd do a documentary on him with images of him swimming and playing sports! Yeah! No one's gonna think a kid who plays baseball does drugs!

The problem? You're supposed to think this is all real. But the video itself gives you every reason to believe it's not. Before you see a scene, you'll see the camera crew setting up the scene and people telling Corey what to say. What the fuck?! Why would they put this in the film if they wanted anyone to believe in it?

Here's the stats of the film...

Starring: Corey Haim
Directed By: Who knows. By the looks of it, my pet frog who died 16 years ago.
Length: 60 minutes.
Feeling of Length: 6,000 years.

Honestly, I couldn't believe what I was watching. Here's a prime example of the video diary's stupidity: the film is 60 minutes long. 32 of those minutes are shots of people putting make-up on Corey. I'm not kidding. For instance, there's a 5 minute scene of Corey trying to hit baseballs. After every swing of the bat, a woman runs into camera view and reapplies his make-up. This is all IN the movie, folks. It's not some minor nuance you have to look for - it's right there in front of your eyes, which by this point will be watering like faucets.

Another high point is the scene where Corey takes a drive around Cali. That's fine and dandy, even though while he's doing it, there's a voiceover of Corey telling you why he enjoys driving so much, where Yes, that's all fine and dandy. The problem is that, before the scene, for no reason, you get ten minutes of footage of the production team mounting the camera onto the car. What the fuck is this all about? Whomever made this movie was obviously one of Corey's enemies, because all it does it make him out to be some idiot who wears more make-up than the total combined aliens in the Mos Eisley Cantina.

Another key scene is Corey on his couch, talking about his career aspirations. It's supposed to look real an uncontrived, which is pretty difficult when you see directors going over the script with him prior to the scene. It also doesn't help when they show the crew putting together the set, thus denoting any chance that we might believe this was actually Corey's living room.

Then of course, you get Corey's wisdom. The poetic words trickled from his lips like some liquid song. What I'm about to let you read are actual Corey quotes from this movie - they are not altered in any way, shape or form. He really said these things. I'm going to let my good friend Admiral Ackbar follow up Corey's quotes to fill you in on what's really going on.....

Quotes from "Me, Myself and I"....

"Well, as far as my fans out there, being, and like 'help Corey,' you know, 'where's our Corey,' you know and the whole misconception thing, from the people out there. Um, you know, they have every right to feel the way they do and things are great with me, as you see, I'm very, good shape now and on the ball. Things are happening."

Translation: Corey's trying to tell you he doesn't do drugs anymore. Unfortunately, it's pretty evident judging from this misconnected bunch of syllables that he was on them as he said this.

"The direction in my life right now, that I'm trying to, I guess, proceed with, in the business is, gradually, from being the little boy, from the younger, you know, brother, to trying to be the older brother or the only brother."

Translation: Corey's ability to string together a coherent thought is on par with his ability to land a role in a movie nowadays that doesn't include wearing a monster gorilla mask or having a sex scene with Tina Yothers.

"Is there someone I look up to? Uh, yeah. Um. I look up to John Ritter, just because, I guess, he's a physical comedian. Um, and I enjoy that.

Translation: Ever have one of those times when someone asked you a question you weren't prepared for, and you just blurted out the first thing that came to mind without thinking first? That's what happened here. Answering 'John Ritter' to a 'who do you look up to?' question is like saying your favorite color is maize. You realize that you've goofed up right after you say it...but there's little you can do to stop getting the corn colored socks at Christmas time.

"I'm trying to get in the habit of, you know, picking up a book and learning how to write my feelings down, not my feelings but my thoughts, about things, and hopefully I'll moving toward the writing and directing thing soon."

Translation: Corey is talking in his sleep again. It's the only way to explain this.

"I have to say, the way I'm feeling, nowadays, would have to be: intense. Powerful."

Translation: You'd feel that way too if you were on enough heroin to kill a bear.

"You are what you wear. I wear something different everyday."

Translation: I am something different everyday? Is that what Corey's trying to tell you? Christ folks, I'm not kidding...he really was on drugs.

"I think maybe ten years from now, I'm hopefully going to be, in like, Tahiti or something. Kicking back like in my huge mansion, if everything goes right, it's all up to me. Just watching like the dolphins, and the porpoises and the sharks and the little sea horses and all that fun stuff go by in a whole different country, while things happen back here."

Translation: I'm going to open a dictionary, close my eyes, and point to 66 random words. After I add them all together to form a statement, I will make about 47 times more sense than what Corey just said.

"What does kissing really mean to me? To me, if you feel, when you kiss a girl, that certain feeling of all those dolphins, like, swimming through your blood stream, and you get those good tingles inside your stomach, I don't think there's any better feeling. It basically comes down to that word: Love. I guess that's what it's all about."

Translation: I love acid. It basically comes down to those three words: I love acid.

Finding this video nowadays is no easy task, and even if you did, you'd have to fight Corey's remaining 12 fans (myself included) for it. But you have to look at it this way: it's not easy to find little red bombs that explode as soon as you look at them either. It's the same thing with Me, Myself, and I. You probably can't find it, but there's little reason to actually look for it anyway.

- Matt

Two new galleries? Yes, two new galleries!

Lisa Kudrow Gallery.
Mira Sorvino Gallery.